Radiant Roses

Sorry for the long absence.  Even though my studio has been closed, I did not intend to take such a long break from taking pictures and blogging.  I was looking forward to pushing myself to be creative and find new subjects to photograph.  I settled into a new routine that was working well for me, including adjusting my schedule for the fact that my husband, Joe, who is a teacher, was working from home.  Unfortunately, in the middle of April, Joe slipped and fell outside.  Normally, that wouldn't be a big deal, but Joe has a metal rod in his leg to replace the bone that was removed from having cancer as a child.   Even though he simply landed on his butt, he broke his tibia, fibula, and the metal rod where it was cemented into the bone.  He was sent to the ER, and I was not allowed to accompany him.   It was determined that he should see the orthopedic surgeon in Indy who had done the original surgery 17 years ago to remove the cancer in his leg and put the metal implant and artificial knee in.   The surgeon couldn’t see him right away so he was sent home that night in a splint.  The following days were long and tiring with neither of us sleeping well, but they were also uneventful in the best way possible.  Joe was on crutches, but I had to carry his leg for him because the splint wasn't enough to hold his leg together.  

My parents loaned us their van, and I drove him to Indy later that week.   His doctor said that he has seen this happen before, and that only the simplest surgery would be approved right now.  Joe’s understanding was that only the metal rod would be replaced and that he would not get a new knee or the rod lengthened so that his legs would be the same length.  He was actually really happy to hear that because he knew that would be a very fast recovery time.   He was sent home from Indy in a cast which was better, and we both slept fairly well for the next few nights out of pure exhaustion from the previous nights without sleep.  I still had to hold Joe's leg for him as he moved since there was nothing preventing his foot from rotating.

The following Monday, we went back to Indy for a pre-op appointment and then spent the night in a hotel across the street from the hospital.  I dropped him off at the door of the hospital at 5:30 am on Tuesday for his 8 am surgery.  Back at the hotel, he texted me saying that the plan was to replace his knee as well as the rod (but still not lengthening the rod to the full extent needed to get his legs to be the same length).  He wasn’t sure he was ready for that, but apparently that was already the plan from the beginning, and he must have misunderstood.  At 10:21 am, I got a call from the doctor saying that the surgery went well and according to plan.  I grabbed my stuff, checked out of the hotel, and drove home.

Two days later, I drove back to the hospital in Indy to pick up Joe.  He was in a full leg immobilizer so that he couldn't bend his knee.  He was very uncomfortable in it which has meant that we still weren't sleeping well.  However, he could finally move on his own without me holding his leg for him since it was finally set properly.  He said using the crutches was like riding a bike and he found that he was quickly able to figure out how to get around without assistance.  We returned a week later for his post-op appointment.  We thought the staples would be removed at that point, but the doctor felt the incision wasn't healed enough.  Joe did get his leg cleaned and new bandages put on which helped immensely with the smell we had dealt with since the surgery.  Then we headed back home to continue waiting.  We endured more nights of not sleeping well as Joe constantly struggled to get comfortable and stay comfortable enough to sleep for more than a couple hours at a time.

A week later, we were back in Indy for another appointment.  This time Joe got all 73 staples removed.  He was sent home in the immobilizer, but was told he could take it off whenever he wanted.  I think it came off that evening and was never put on again.  The following week was the beginning of PT for Joe and of numerous phone calls to try to understand the bills we got from the ambulance company.  He really likes his therapist, Aaron, but Aaron's opinion was that Joe would be in therapy for 6-12 months, and Joe wants to do it in 3 months, so we will have to wait and see who is right.  Hahaha!  So far, Joe is doing PT 3 times a week and making incredible progress!  He quickly got down to using just one crutch, and I often seeing him walking without anything.  Since his legs are closer to the same length now, he finds it a little easier to walk without shoes on, especially since all his shoes have a lift that is too tall now.  Joe will continue to have follow-up appointments in Indy, but they will not be weekly.  His next appointment is in June, and they will be checking to make sure everything looks good as well as getting a measurement of the new length of his leg so we can get new shoes ordered with the correct size of a lift.

As difficult as this has been, we have SO much to be thankful for!  From the beginning, even when Joe was sitting in the grass holding his broken leg as he waited for the ambulance to arrive, he experienced almost no pain, just discomfort.  We continually felt an abundance of calm and peace knowing that God was and always is in control.  We noticed God’s perfect timing working in many ways.  We have felt so loved and well cared for by friends and family.  We are continuing to trust in God’s perfect plan for us as we navigate these strange times.

In the midst of all the struggles, Joe surprised me with having this GORGEOUS bouquet of roses delivered to our house.  It was such a sweet, thoughtful gesture, and of course I had to take a lot of pictures of them!  Joe is an amazing man, and I am SO blessed to be married to him!

Learning Peace

If I'm honest, this year has already been rough for me.  I think I've tried to pretend it's not affecting me, but it really is.  I didn't mention it before, but my aunt passed away recently and her funeral was on Friday.  As wonderful as it was to be surrounded by family and friends who I love dearly, it was really hard to see and to know how much they are hurting, and for me to actually acknowledge how much losing her is hurting me too.  She was so funny and so caring.  Last January, my husband and I went to visit and we gathered as a family for dinner.  I was so happy to listen to her stories and to see her interacting with her husband.  Their loving relationship always made me so happy.  My heart is breaking knowing that my uncle has lost the love of his life.

So here we are at the start of a new year.  There's a mix of emotions ranging from desires for a fresh start to stretch myself with new dreams and aspirations for my business and a deep longing to be stationary as I try so hard to cling to the past.  This dichotomy of looking to the past and to the future is making it hard to live in the present.  My past is full of the memories of so many loved ones that have now passed away.  While I find comfort in letting my mind dwell there as I relive so many precious moments over and over, these memories are tainted now with a deep pain that this is all I have since no new memories can be formed.  And so I switch.  I focus on the future and dream about what I should aspire to and how I can bring those aspirations into fruition.  I start dreaming of a world and a version of me that isn't real or true because it's free of pain.  But as I linger in this dream, the hopes of the future inevitable become mixed with fears of possible future losses.  As I acknowledge the fact that pain will always be there no matter what direction I look to, I find comfort knowing that I am who I am today because I experienced losing loved ones and I kept going.  I know the struggle will continue.  But I know I can get through this.  With God's help, I can have the peace I need to live in the present, as He gives me comfort for the pains of the past and guidance for the dreams of the future.

I've shared this picture before, but I thought it was the best picture to remind me of my aunt.  You see, my aunt's favorite color was purple.  And just like this flower which stubbornly grew between a crack in the sidewalk, my aunt could be pretty stubborn, and yet was beautifully gracious and loving, always finding a way to brighten your day because she knew how to love people well.

Growing Through the Cracks

We have yet another Winter Storm Watch. And this one looks like it will be pretty nasty. They are saying 6 to 10 inches of snow. I think the snow is beautiful. Seeing tiny, frozen crystals floating down from the sky can be mesmerizing, and yet when I see the simple beauty of this flower growing through the cracks, I am reminded once again of the warmth that I find myself missing so much this time of year.